We Used To Have A Good Relationship
Whether single or in a relationship the trials and tribulations we all face are not uncommon, but they can seem easier to deal with if working with a person who is close to us, who understands and shares our values and aims. Our closest relationships should be built on trust, intimacy and mutual respect, when this deteriorates or is just not there then the health and well-being of the both relationship and of those involved begins to suffer.
Many factors can lead to problems within relationships including external problems outside of the relationship. But a lack of sex and intimacy, betrayal and a breakdown of trust, one partner suffering from depression or disappointment within the relationship, one or both partners being too controlling, jealousy, work related stress and money worries can all cause relationships to faulter. Changes in life circumstances like moving to a new area, children leaving home or the birth of a new baby. We know that unresolved issues are one of the biggest predictors of relationships failing. But why do issues remain unresolved, after all you have agreed to share your life with this person?
A lack of effort within a relationship or taking a partner for granted can often be a problem. Re-focussing on dreams and aspirations that you shared when you began your relationship is vital. Hopes and dreams change as we go along so it is important to reconfirm your commitment to your aspirations and check how things have evolved within your relationship because often people forget to discuss how ideas and plans have changed, and this can lead to couples inadvertently singing from different song sheets. Really listening to your partner rather than assuming you know what they are thinking can make things much more accurate and a lot of things clearer.
Avoidance is a major factor in relationships ending, the mistaken idea that if nothing is said about things that do not feel right then it will avoid hurt feelings, confrontation and rows. The ability to see that it can be healthy to disagree over some issues is very important. Some people believe that conflict is an indication that a relationship is not healthy. Conflict itself does not indicate that a relationship is not going well; rather it is how the partners resolve conflict and find agreement, simply agree to disagree or to find common ground that determines if the relationship is healthy or not.
The reality is that what avoidance leads to is resentment and unhappiness. It becomes more and more difficult to talk things over and over time a distance in the relationship begins to emerge and people become more remote from one another; communication becomes even more difficult.
Finally things may become unbearable, and love is replaced with anger or resentment. Major arguments and even violence can develop, born of frustration but now with the prospect of resolution becoming more remote.
Perhaps it would be a good thing to look at our intimate relationships much more like a business partnership. When entering into a business partnership we expect to be listened to, to share responsibilities each partner contributing their own unique strengths and talents while working to a common aim. In a business partnerships we should feel our views are respected and taken into account, that positions are equal and we should find support and strength in our partnership. When the going gets tough in times of trouble ideally a joint effort rather than a stand off will hasten getting things back onto an even keel, this is true whether in a business or a personal relationship.
Often it is at the stage when things are really miserable and people close to breaking point that the couple finally recognise the need to seek help. A relationship counsellor does not seek to apportion blame or take sides. It can be enormously helpful to talk to someone not involved, who can give you the time and space to vent frustrations, mull over options and then help you find a different way of dealing with core issues and any faulty beliefs that may have been holding your relationship back.
Whether married, living together, single, stright or gay help is available in a confidential comfortable environment.
Georgina McKinnon Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist working in Kent and Medway
For relationship counselling in Kent and the Medway towns contact me today:
01634 420202